Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
