Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
