I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize