I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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