How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
