She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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