youre lurking in front of me
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
