Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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