Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
