If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
