I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
