i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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