My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
