I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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