I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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