this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
