Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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