I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i need some magic done to my vagina
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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