I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
