***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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