fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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