she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
