i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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