:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
