my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
