you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
