I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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