Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
