I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
