I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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