she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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