So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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