The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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