I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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