Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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