if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
