just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
