I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We named our party play list daddy issues
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize