I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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