In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
