ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize