I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
