3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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