I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
