He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
