so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
