ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
