So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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