My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize