how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
