she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
