First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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