You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
