I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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