Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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