So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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