Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
