i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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