No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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