I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
