im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
